i realized that i don't usually take a a hard laugh because im afraid of its consequence... because when i poured myself into laughter the next days, surely tears will follow.
it shouldn't be that way. i should embrace laughter. i shouldn;t be afraid of the what if's that i might get in the long run.
i might be brave to look at but at the deepest recesses of my soul, i am full of fear.
maybe but just maybe.
from now on, i will be stronger and much braver.
from now on, i will value what i have and not so hoping on the what i might have.
from now on, i will decide firmly no matter what the outcome is.
from now on, i will grow up.
from now on, i will think harder.
from now on, i will be a better person than before. (u knw what i mean)
from now on, i will take life as it is.
but maybe, just maybe...
give me courage please.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
can you judge me?
If a man were judge according to his actions then I am disgraceful to the eyes of God and men. If I were to judge of what my heart’s desire, towards what I feel then I can say I am not. We all live with moral values and conviction. We tend to look at man’s action by not seeing his inner core, we judged according to what we see. Deep down, underneath of it all we are our own judge.
I am in conflict, troubled, averted.
I AM WHAT I AM, saith the Lord.
I am in conflict, troubled, averted.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Haruki Murakami: On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning
On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning
One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo's fashionable Harujuku neighborhood, I walked past the 100% perfect girl.
Tell you the truth, she's not that good-looking. She doesn't stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn't young, either - must be near thirty, not even close to a "girl," properly speaking. But still, I know from fifty yards away: She's the 100% perfect girl for me. The moment I see her, there's a rumbling in my chest, and my mouth is as dry as a desert.
Maybe you have your own particular favorite type of girl - one with slim ankles, say, or big eyes, or graceful fingers, or you're drawn for no good reason to girls who take their time with every meal. I have my own preferences, of course. Sometimes in a restaurant I'll catch myself staring at the girl at the next table to mine because I like the shape of her nose.
But no one can insist that his 100% perfect girl correspond to some preconceived type. Much as I like noses, I can't recall the shape of hers - or even if she had one. All I can remember for sure is that she was no great beauty. It's weird.
"Yesterday on the street I passed the 100% girl," I tell someone.
"Yeah?" he says. "Good-looking?"
"Not really."
"Your favorite type, then?"
"I don't know. I can't seem to remember anything about her - the shape of her eyes or the size of her breasts."
"Strange."
"Yeah. Strange."
"So anyhow," he says, already bored, "what did you do? Talk to her? Follow her?"
"Nah. Just passed her on the street."
She's walking east to west, and I west to east. It's a really nice April morning.
Wish I could talk to her. Half an hour would be plenty: just ask her about herself, tell her about myself, and - what I'd really like to do - explain to her the complexities of fate that have led to our passing each other on a side street in Harajuku on a beautiful April morning in 1981. This was something sure to be crammed full of warm secrets, like an antique clock build when peace filled the world.
After talking, we'd have lunch somewhere, maybe see a Woody Allen movie, stop by a hotel bar for cocktails. With any kind of luck, we might end up in bed.
Potentiality knocks on the door of my heart.
Now the distance between us has narrowed to fifteen yards.
How can I approach her? What should I say?
"Good morning, miss. Do you think you could spare half an hour for a little conversation?"
Ridiculous. I'd sound like an insurance salesman.
"Pardon me, but would you happen to know if there is an all-night cleaners in the neighborhood?"
No, this is just as ridiculous. I'm not carrying any laundry, for one thing. Who's going to buy a line like that?
Maybe the simple truth would do. "Good morning. You are the 100% perfect girl for me."
No, she wouldn't believe it. Or even if she did, she might not want to talk to me. Sorry, she could say, I might be the 100% perfect girl for you, but you're not the 100% boy for me. It could happen. And if I found myself in that situation, I'd probably go to pieces. I'd never recover from the shock. I'm thirty-two, and that's what growing older is all about.
We pass in front of a flower shop. A small, warm air mass touches my skin. The asphalt is damp, and I catch the scent of roses. I can't bring myself to speak to her. She wears a white sweater, and in her right hand she holds a crisp white envelope lacking only a stamp. So: She's written somebody a letter, maybe spent the whole night writing, to judge from the sleepy look in her eyes. The envelope could contain every secret she's ever had.
I take a few more strides and turn: She's lost in the crowd.
Now, of course, I know exactly what I should have said to her. It would have been a long speech, though, far too long for me to have delivered it properly. The ideas I come up with are never very practical.
Oh, well. It would have started "Once upon a time" and ended "A sad story, don't you think?"
Once upon a time, there lived a boy and a girl. The boy was eighteen and the girl sixteen. He was not unusually handsome, and she was not especially beautiful. They were just an ordinary lonely boy and an ordinary lonely girl, like all the others. But they believed with their whole hearts that somewhere in the world there lived the 100% perfect boy and the 100% perfect girl for them. Yes, they believed in a miracle. And that miracle actually happened.
One day the two came upon each other on the corner of a street.
"This is amazing," he said. "I've been looking for you all my life. You may not believe this, but you're the 100% perfect girl for me."
"And you," she said to him, "are the 100% perfect boy for me, exactly as I'd pictured you in every detail. It's like a dream."
They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore. They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. What a wonderful thing it is to find and be found by your 100% perfect other. It's a miracle, a cosmic miracle.
As they sat and talked, however, a tiny, tiny sliver of doubt took root in their hearts: Was it really all right for one's dreams to come true so easily?
And so, when there came a momentary lull in their conversation, the boy said to the girl, "Let's test ourselves - just once. If we really are each other's 100% perfect lovers, then sometime, somewhere, we will meet again without fail. And when that happens, and we know that we are the 100% perfect ones, we'll marry then and there. What do you think?"
"Yes," she said, "that is exactly what we should do."
And so they parted, she to the east, and he to the west.
The test they had agreed upon, however, was utterly unnecessary. They should never have undertaken it, because they really and truly were each other's 100% perfect lovers, and it was a miracle that they had ever met. But it was impossible for them to know this, young as they were. The cold, indifferent waves of fate proceeded to toss them unmercifully.
One winter, both the boy and the girl came down with the season's terrible inluenza, and after drifting for weeks between life and death they lost all memory of their earlier years. When they awoke, their heads were as empty as the young D. H. Lawrence's piggy bank.
They were two bright, determined young people, however, and through their unremitting efforts they were able to acquire once again the knowledge and feeling that qualified them to return as full-fledged members of society. Heaven be praised, they became truly upstanding citizens who knew how to transfer from one subway line to another, who were fully capable of sending a special-delivery letter at the post office. Indeed, they even experienced love again, sometimes as much as 75% or even 85% love.
Time passed with shocking swiftness, and soon the boy was thirty-two, the girl thirty.
One beautiful April morning, in search of a cup of coffee to start the day, the boy was walking from west to east, while the girl, intending to send a special-delivery letter, was walking from east to west, but along the same narrow street in the Harajuku neighborhood of Tokyo. They passed each other in the very center of the street. The faintest gleam of their lost memories glimmered for the briefest moment in their hearts. Each felt a rumbling in their chest. And they knew:
She is the 100% perfect girl for me.
He is the 100% perfect boy for me.
But the glow of their memories was far too weak, and their thoughts no longer had the clarity of fouteen years earlier. Without a word, they passed each other, disappearing into the crowd. Forever.
A sad story, don't you think?
Yes, that's it, that is what I should have said to her.
One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo's fashionable Harujuku neighborhood, I walked past the 100% perfect girl.
Tell you the truth, she's not that good-looking. She doesn't stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn't young, either - must be near thirty, not even close to a "girl," properly speaking. But still, I know from fifty yards away: She's the 100% perfect girl for me. The moment I see her, there's a rumbling in my chest, and my mouth is as dry as a desert.
Maybe you have your own particular favorite type of girl - one with slim ankles, say, or big eyes, or graceful fingers, or you're drawn for no good reason to girls who take their time with every meal. I have my own preferences, of course. Sometimes in a restaurant I'll catch myself staring at the girl at the next table to mine because I like the shape of her nose.
But no one can insist that his 100% perfect girl correspond to some preconceived type. Much as I like noses, I can't recall the shape of hers - or even if she had one. All I can remember for sure is that she was no great beauty. It's weird.
"Yesterday on the street I passed the 100% girl," I tell someone.
"Yeah?" he says. "Good-looking?"
"Not really."
"Your favorite type, then?"
"I don't know. I can't seem to remember anything about her - the shape of her eyes or the size of her breasts."
"Strange."
"Yeah. Strange."
"So anyhow," he says, already bored, "what did you do? Talk to her? Follow her?"
"Nah. Just passed her on the street."
She's walking east to west, and I west to east. It's a really nice April morning.
Wish I could talk to her. Half an hour would be plenty: just ask her about herself, tell her about myself, and - what I'd really like to do - explain to her the complexities of fate that have led to our passing each other on a side street in Harajuku on a beautiful April morning in 1981. This was something sure to be crammed full of warm secrets, like an antique clock build when peace filled the world.
After talking, we'd have lunch somewhere, maybe see a Woody Allen movie, stop by a hotel bar for cocktails. With any kind of luck, we might end up in bed.
Potentiality knocks on the door of my heart.
Now the distance between us has narrowed to fifteen yards.
How can I approach her? What should I say?
"Good morning, miss. Do you think you could spare half an hour for a little conversation?"
Ridiculous. I'd sound like an insurance salesman.
"Pardon me, but would you happen to know if there is an all-night cleaners in the neighborhood?"
No, this is just as ridiculous. I'm not carrying any laundry, for one thing. Who's going to buy a line like that?
Maybe the simple truth would do. "Good morning. You are the 100% perfect girl for me."
No, she wouldn't believe it. Or even if she did, she might not want to talk to me. Sorry, she could say, I might be the 100% perfect girl for you, but you're not the 100% boy for me. It could happen. And if I found myself in that situation, I'd probably go to pieces. I'd never recover from the shock. I'm thirty-two, and that's what growing older is all about.
We pass in front of a flower shop. A small, warm air mass touches my skin. The asphalt is damp, and I catch the scent of roses. I can't bring myself to speak to her. She wears a white sweater, and in her right hand she holds a crisp white envelope lacking only a stamp. So: She's written somebody a letter, maybe spent the whole night writing, to judge from the sleepy look in her eyes. The envelope could contain every secret she's ever had.
I take a few more strides and turn: She's lost in the crowd.
Now, of course, I know exactly what I should have said to her. It would have been a long speech, though, far too long for me to have delivered it properly. The ideas I come up with are never very practical.
Oh, well. It would have started "Once upon a time" and ended "A sad story, don't you think?"
Once upon a time, there lived a boy and a girl. The boy was eighteen and the girl sixteen. He was not unusually handsome, and she was not especially beautiful. They were just an ordinary lonely boy and an ordinary lonely girl, like all the others. But they believed with their whole hearts that somewhere in the world there lived the 100% perfect boy and the 100% perfect girl for them. Yes, they believed in a miracle. And that miracle actually happened.
One day the two came upon each other on the corner of a street.
"This is amazing," he said. "I've been looking for you all my life. You may not believe this, but you're the 100% perfect girl for me."
"And you," she said to him, "are the 100% perfect boy for me, exactly as I'd pictured you in every detail. It's like a dream."
They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore. They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. What a wonderful thing it is to find and be found by your 100% perfect other. It's a miracle, a cosmic miracle.
As they sat and talked, however, a tiny, tiny sliver of doubt took root in their hearts: Was it really all right for one's dreams to come true so easily?
And so, when there came a momentary lull in their conversation, the boy said to the girl, "Let's test ourselves - just once. If we really are each other's 100% perfect lovers, then sometime, somewhere, we will meet again without fail. And when that happens, and we know that we are the 100% perfect ones, we'll marry then and there. What do you think?"
"Yes," she said, "that is exactly what we should do."
And so they parted, she to the east, and he to the west.
The test they had agreed upon, however, was utterly unnecessary. They should never have undertaken it, because they really and truly were each other's 100% perfect lovers, and it was a miracle that they had ever met. But it was impossible for them to know this, young as they were. The cold, indifferent waves of fate proceeded to toss them unmercifully.
One winter, both the boy and the girl came down with the season's terrible inluenza, and after drifting for weeks between life and death they lost all memory of their earlier years. When they awoke, their heads were as empty as the young D. H. Lawrence's piggy bank.
They were two bright, determined young people, however, and through their unremitting efforts they were able to acquire once again the knowledge and feeling that qualified them to return as full-fledged members of society. Heaven be praised, they became truly upstanding citizens who knew how to transfer from one subway line to another, who were fully capable of sending a special-delivery letter at the post office. Indeed, they even experienced love again, sometimes as much as 75% or even 85% love.
Time passed with shocking swiftness, and soon the boy was thirty-two, the girl thirty.
One beautiful April morning, in search of a cup of coffee to start the day, the boy was walking from west to east, while the girl, intending to send a special-delivery letter, was walking from east to west, but along the same narrow street in the Harajuku neighborhood of Tokyo. They passed each other in the very center of the street. The faintest gleam of their lost memories glimmered for the briefest moment in their hearts. Each felt a rumbling in their chest. And they knew:
She is the 100% perfect girl for me.
He is the 100% perfect boy for me.
But the glow of their memories was far too weak, and their thoughts no longer had the clarity of fouteen years earlier. Without a word, they passed each other, disappearing into the crowd. Forever.
A sad story, don't you think?
Yes, that's it, that is what I should have said to her.
Friday, October 22, 2010
ironies
we live in a world full of bitterness yet full of hope.
we are so pessimistic about things yet we yearn things turn out to be okay.
we love life yet we never live it.
we hated pain yet we inflicted it to ourselves.
we want to be happy yet we never do the things that made us happy.
we look so strong yet deep inside we are so weak.
Life's like that and sometimes it sucks...
we are so pessimistic about things yet we yearn things turn out to be okay.
we love life yet we never live it.
we hated pain yet we inflicted it to ourselves.
we want to be happy yet we never do the things that made us happy.
we look so strong yet deep inside we are so weak.
Life's like that and sometimes it sucks...
Friday, October 8, 2010
why zuma is so addicting?
zuma is a simple game. you just hit the balls, click and click. that's basically it. it got a simple rule just don't let the ball entered unto the mouth of zuma. but why i feel so addicted about this? cos when you finished one level, you will get a sense of fulfillment without a satisfaction.that's basically it! then you want to finish the game right there and then .. kahibang. Good thing tapos ko na.
what i heart about
- i love the rain. i love how it falls from the sky. science can explain why but i'd like to think it was one of the gifts given to mankind.
- i love laughter. it's contagious. it made me forget sad things.
- i love to read books, it keeps me dreaming.
- i love watching romantic movies, it gives me heartaches and will make me cry.
- i love my family, though it's not perfect we love each other secretly. i love it when we're complete.
- i love my brother, it's the only thing that is constant in this world. he is
the most handsome boy ever existed. such an innocent man.
- i love my mother, the best mom in the world! she give herself to serve us.
- i love them all... :)
- i love to eat. in fact i eat too much not until i noticed my belly...
- i love the sea. when i look at it. i feel grateful about life. i soo love nature.
- i love the moon, stars, the sky at night. it really is for lovers.
- i love the sun only if it's not too hot.
- i love everything about my life. it's a God's gift!
- i love to be happy, that's why i love to smile.
Ajah
- i love laughter. it's contagious. it made me forget sad things.
- i love to read books, it keeps me dreaming.
- i love watching romantic movies, it gives me heartaches and will make me cry.
- i love my family, though it's not perfect we love each other secretly. i love it when we're complete.
- i love my brother, it's the only thing that is constant in this world. he is
the most handsome boy ever existed. such an innocent man.
- i love my mother, the best mom in the world! she give herself to serve us.
- i love them all... :)
- i love to eat. in fact i eat too much not until i noticed my belly...
- i love the sea. when i look at it. i feel grateful about life. i soo love nature.
- i love the moon, stars, the sky at night. it really is for lovers.
- i love the sun only if it's not too hot.
- i love everything about my life. it's a God's gift!
- i love to be happy, that's why i love to smile.
Ajah
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
i am fortunate
A very dear friend of mind posted this status, " WHen life's problem seem overwhelming, look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate."
And indeed, I REALLY AM :)
Thank you Lord for all the blessings and for the life. You are magnificently amazing!
And indeed, I REALLY AM :)
Thank you Lord for all the blessings and for the life. You are magnificently amazing!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
On random thoughts
On random thoughts:
KEEP ON SMILIN’ coz you are pretty especially when you smile” somebody said that to me way back high school. And I never understand not until now (laugh**). Anyways, we all have our share of loveliness and if we just smile what a wonderful world we would all be sharing.
It’s amazing…. Life is really AMAZING! Thank you Lord.
I wanted to play DOTA 24/7, all my life. Then I am wasting my existence here on earth. Imagine!
KEEP ON SMILIN’ coz you are pretty especially when you smile” somebody said that to me way back high school. And I never understand not until now (laugh**). Anyways, we all have our share of loveliness and if we just smile what a wonderful world we would all be sharing.
It’s amazing…. Life is really AMAZING! Thank you Lord.
I wanted to play DOTA 24/7, all my life. Then I am wasting my existence here on earth. Imagine!
Friday, July 16, 2010
"stupid इस अस स्तुपिद दोएस"
brain stop listening to my heart it's crazy like the owner.
if you have everything but not getting the one you wanted SUCKS.
it's like you're suffocating, bleeding inside.
it;s like you have a life but not alive. you wanted to be happy but there's always this 'something' reminding you ... and you know it is not good.
Its a place you cannot go anymore.........
it's a thing you shouldnt need to remember
it;a feeling you shouldnt supposed to feel
it;s an emotion that must be erased
a fire that needed to be stop
that even if youre thirsty you shouldnt find a way to quench it..leave as it is....
i am totally crushed.
if you have everything but not getting the one you wanted SUCKS.
it's like you're suffocating, bleeding inside.
it;s like you have a life but not alive. you wanted to be happy but there's always this 'something' reminding you ... and you know it is not good.
Its a place you cannot go anymore.........
it's a thing you shouldnt need to remember
it;a feeling you shouldnt supposed to feel
it;s an emotion that must be erased
a fire that needed to be stop
that even if youre thirsty you shouldnt find a way to quench it..leave as it is....
i am totally crushed.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
" WHY ARE WE BORN IF WE HAVE TO DIE? "
Why are we born if we are going to die? this was a question i gave to my COmputer ethics subject last year. i gave them that question and let them answer, but never bothered to answered it myself.
Why? maybe it's natural process of life that eventually we are all going to die..
WHy? as it is written...
but if i have to asked them now it would be different instead, WHat are the things you hope to achieved before dying?
Why? maybe it's natural process of life that eventually we are all going to die..
WHy? as it is written...
but if i have to asked them now it would be different instead, WHat are the things you hope to achieved before dying?
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
life moves on!
life moves on for me and for you! no matter how painful and hard life is as long as we continue breathing strive to be happy! at least we experienced what it is laughter-joy-happiness-hardships-harshness-beauty of being alive in a roller coaster journey!
THank You Lord!
THank You Lord!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
REM
i dreamt last night that i was riding a tricycle and laughing. in my dream i am so carefree. i love that feeling to last but heck that was just a dream, waking up is a different thing.
when i looked at the meaning of my dream particularly the laughter, it means i need to lighten up and let go of my problems. nevertheless it is also a sign of joyous release and pleasure.
DO i really have a problem?hmmmn... maybe internal turmoil.lol
good grief got a complicated life here that if i think every detail it will make me vomit. good thing i have a "i don't think and i don't care" nature.
got a bad day but clash of the titans eases it away!
when i looked at the meaning of my dream particularly the laughter, it means i need to lighten up and let go of my problems. nevertheless it is also a sign of joyous release and pleasure.
DO i really have a problem?hmmmn... maybe internal turmoil.lol
good grief got a complicated life here that if i think every detail it will make me vomit. good thing i have a "i don't think and i don't care" nature.
got a bad day but clash of the titans eases it away!
Friday, April 23, 2010
wanna be
i realized that if i stay in this career forever, i wanna be the best instructor that i can be!
Friday, January 1, 2010
new year = new life (am i right?)
here's my problem i dont feel like new year as a new day. in fact i never welcomed it i just sleep. i feel like it's just another day passing by in my life nothing new. i mean im not waiting for a magical moment to happen because there wouldnt be.
what fascinates me is how time flies so fast... just like that and puff another year! woo... it;s like awhile ago i was celebrating my bday, chitchatting, laughing, loving, hating, crying, happy, sad, bashful, feeling wonderful, having fun, living for a moment, doing spontaneous, not caring about the world, not caring what will happen next, doing crazy things and stupid stuffs, ambitious, proud, stupid and foolish, insignificant, alive, not so alive, excited, shy, ignorant, fantastic, marvelous, etc. then suddenly it was just a year ago!
my new motto: SMILE and be HAPPY always even if the world doesnt want you to!
what fascinates me is how time flies so fast... just like that and puff another year! woo... it;s like awhile ago i was celebrating my bday, chitchatting, laughing, loving, hating, crying, happy, sad, bashful, feeling wonderful, having fun, living for a moment, doing spontaneous, not caring about the world, not caring what will happen next, doing crazy things and stupid stuffs, ambitious, proud, stupid and foolish, insignificant, alive, not so alive, excited, shy, ignorant, fantastic, marvelous, etc. then suddenly it was just a year ago!
my new motto: SMILE and be HAPPY always even if the world doesnt want you to!
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